What if a Parenting Manual Did Exist? Navigating the ABCs of Behavior
If you’re like me, you often find yourself wishing there was a manual for parenting. The days can be long and the tantrums even longer. All children (and adults!) struggle to do things they don’t want to do, and we all reach our breaking point. Fortunately, there are some strategies that we can use as parents to help make these difficult times more manageable.
We all use acronyms or mnemonics to help us remember things or to shorten what we’re saying. ROY G BIV for the colors of the rainbow. HOMES for the Great Lakes. ASAP. LOL. BRB. When it comes to behaviors, we like to use ABC to help us remember what to look out for.
A is for Antecedent: What Happens BeforeAntecedent is just a fancy word for what is happening before a behavior begins. It's what happens right before your child does something, often referred to as a “trigger.” Antecedents can be events, situations, or even words.
If you walk into a dark room and turn on the light switch, then the dark room is the antecedent.
If your child sets the table after you ask them to, then the request to set the table is the antecedent.
If your child throws a tantrum because screen time is over, then ending screen time or removal of the screen is the antecedent.
Understanding antecedents helps you identify triggers for your child's behavior. By recognizing these triggers, you can either avoid them or prepare your child for what's to come. Maybe a gentle reminder or a structured routine can help your child feel more prepared and less likely to act out.
B is for Behavior: What Your Child DoesBehavior is simply what your child does. It can be anything from doing chores to throwing a tantrum. Understanding your child's behavior is crucial, because it gives you insight into their feelings, needs, and challenges.
When you walk into the dark room and turn on the light switch, flicking the switch is the behavior.
When your child sets the table after being asked, setting the table is the behavior.
When your child throws a tantrum because screen time is over, the tantrum is the behavior.
When you notice your child's behavior, try to look beyond the surface. Ask yourself: Why is my child behaving this way? What are they trying to communicate? By digging deeper, you can address the root cause of the behavior instead of just reacting to it.
C is for Consequence: What Happens AfterConsequence is the outcome of your child's behavior. It can be positive or negative. This can be confusing, because we often think of consequences as punishments. When thinking about the ABCs of behavior, a consequence is simply what happens after your child engages in a behavior.
Positive consequences encourage good behavior, while negative consequences discourage unwanted behavior. For example, if your child cleans their room without being asked, a positive consequence could be extra playtime. On the other hand, if your child hits their sibling, a negative consequence could be a time-out.
When you turned on the light switch in that dark room, the consequence was that the room lit up and you could see. This is a positive consequence, because it encourages the likelihood you will turn on the light switch in the future.
When your child sets the table after being asked, the consequence might be praise and thanks from you. This is a positive consequence because it increases the likelihood your child will set the table or comply with tasks in the future.
When your child tantrums because screen time is removed, you may give in and let them have 5 more minutes. This is a positive consequence because it increases the likelihood your child will tantrum for more screen time in the future. In other words, they learned that there is a chance they can get more screen time if they tantrum, so they are more likely to try this strategy going forward.
Consistency is key when it comes to consequences. Make sure you follow through with the consequences you've set, so your child learns that their actions have predictable outcomes. But remember, consequences should always be age-appropriate and related to the behavior.
Putting It All TogetherNow that you know the ABCs of behavior, let's see how they work together.
Imagine your child asks for a snack before dinner, and you say no. This is the antecedent. Your child reacts by crying (behavior). You choose to ignore the crying and not give the snack (consequence). Your child has learned that crying is not going to get them a snack. This starts training their brain to understand that crying is not the way to get what they want.
By understanding the antecedent, addressing the behavior, and applying a consequence, you're teaching your child about cause and effect. The important thing to remember about the ABCs is we want to give as many positive consequences as we can to encourage our children to make the right choices. We also want to be consistent in applying negative consequences to behaviors that we want to see less of. This teaches children to regulate their emotions and learn from both their mistakes and their successes.
Remember, every child is unique, and what works for one may not work for another. Be patient, stay consistent, and celebrate small victories along the way. With the ABCs of behavior in your parenting toolbox, you'll be better equipped to navigate the ups and downs of raising happy, well-adjusted kids.
About the AuthorDr. Claire Baniak (PsyD) is a clinical psychologist who specializes in the assessment and treatment of children with neurodevelopmental disorders and medical complexities.
